I’m paying H a lot of money for leaked copies of her emails to John – so mense, julle moerit lees. Asseblief, kanalla.




Dear John,

I deliberately did not contact you after your election as Parliamentary leader to give you time to settle into your new position.

But the fact of the matter is time is of the essence – and we need to move quickly to achieve our historic mission of saving South Africa.

I know I promised to stay in my lane, and I will (within limits) – but I have a lot of experience to offer our party. It is experience that we need most of all now.

I know Douglas, like Tony, can be an ass sometimes, but this time I want to concur with him that good South Africans are sick and tired of hearing complaints about race and racism.

John, let me stress, and please don’t forget this: important – longstanding – members of the DA expect you to take Douglas’s views forward.

It’s been 25 years since democracy. The fact of the matter is everyone is equal now. Just remember that. And our attitude should be anyone who has missed the boat, is not trying hard enough.

I don’t want to harp on this, but I built up the DA into the potential governing party of South Africa until M stuffed it up.

I was very successful campaigning in the townships because I learnt very quickly to ‘stamp my boure lam’.

‘Coloured people love dancing, and I quickly became known as the ‘Koekie Loekie’ woman.

John, you will need to take over the role I used to play.

I’ve taken the liberty to speak to Kulsum, one of our branch leaders in Mitchells Plain. She will teach you to dance like a township resident.

She’s expecting your call, so contact her as quickly as you can.

And John, get out of your black suit when you go for lessons. Lighten up, please. And mix your colours badly. That’s the way they dress there.

And wear a hoodie.

I’ve asked Kulsum to keep me posted on your progress, so please take this very seriously. I’ve heard through the grapevine that Patricia is also going to try to win votes through dancing. That woman has no shame, but we must protect our votes in the townships at all cost.

As you know, I will be directing all my energy into winning back the votes we lost to the Freedom Front+.

I have been making excellent progress. I have already officiated at two potjiekos competitions, and I have diarized another two.

At the second one, in Nelspruit a week ago, I had an opportunity to speak to many people who used to vote for the DA. Discussions were full and frank. They expressed their views and I picked their brains.

It struck me during the conversations that I had with them that PW Botha, like colonialism, was not all bad. The fact of the matter is that his tricameral parliament experiment was not unlike the Progressive Party’s qualified franchise ideas.

But I’ll expand on this at our next brainstorm.

That will be all for now. I’ve got to get ready for a Steve Hofmeyr concert.

Please don’t forget to contact, Kulsum.